Filled Under: jokes

Clean Irish Jokes

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?”

________________________________________________________

It was general question time on the “Top of the World” quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant:

“Complete this line of a song and spell your answer – Old MacDonald had a ….”

The Hungarian answered quickly: “Station – S T A T I O N.”

Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question:

“Old MacDonald had a ….”

“Ranch,” was the reply, “R A N C H.”

Finally the Irishman was asked the same question:

“Old MacDonald had a….”

“Farm,” the Irishman proudly stated.

“Correct,” said the host. “Now spell the word farm.”

The Irishman thought for a moment. “E I E I O.”

______________________________________________________

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. “It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,” she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. “Miss,” he said,

“I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?”
___________________________________________________________
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, “I stopped it!”

“I know, you idiot!” said the man. “I was pushing it!”

Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o’clock.”

She said, “But Father, I’m no longer a child!”

He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”
___________________________________________________________________
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O’Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

“What are ye doing?” asked O’Bannon.

“Fishin’,” said MacAndrews.

“Caught anything?”

“Ach, nae a bite,”

“What are ye usin’ fer bait?”

“Worms”

“Let me see it,” said O’Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O’Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

“Have ye got a bite?” asked O’Bannon.

“No!” shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, “The worm’s got a salmon by the throat!”

_____________________________________________________________________

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: “Lads, I’m here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don’t step on any of the ducks or you’ll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he’s ever laid eyes on, and she said,”Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we’re together for all time.”And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he’s ever seen in all his life. He gasped, “I don’t understand it!” The young beauty answered, “Well I’m sure I don’t either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck.”

____________________________________________________________________

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” said the prison guard “Nothing” said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” “Oh”, replied the Irishman, “I’ll take the German”.

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Readers Digest pt 5

41. The local market has a bin where employees keep returned items. The bin is labeled “Spoils.” I never thought much about it, until one afternoon I heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: “Victor to the spoils. Thank you.”
–Chris Dejong

42. It was an absolutely crazy evening at our emergency clinic. The doctor on duty was being bombarded with questions, given forms to fill out, and even asked for his dinner order. I was in the next room, cleaning up a sutured wound, when I realized the doctor hadn’t given instructions for a bandage.
“What kind of dressing do you want on that?” I shouted through the door.
“Ranch,” he yelled back.
–Brenda Todd

43. For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn’t get the computer to recognize my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, “There’s part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 12/31/1899.”
“That’s right,” my husband chimed in. “She was born in June, not December.”
–M. Patricia Capin

44. At 82 years old, my husband applied for his first passport. He was told he would need a birth certificate, but his birth had never been officially registered.
When he explained his dilemma to the passport agent, the response was less than helpful. “It’s all right,” the agent said. “Just bring a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you.”
–Elgarda Ashliman

45. Short and baby-faced, my buddy Wiggins had trouble being taken seriously in the Army. A mustache, he assumed, would fix that. He was wrong.
“Wiggins!” bellowed our drill instructor after spotting the growth during inspection. “What’s so special about your nose that it’s got to be underlined?”
–K. Trott

46. While my husband was stationed overseas, our four-year-old daughter decided that she needed a baby brother.
“Good idea,” I told her. “But don’t you think we should wait till your father’s home?”
She had a better idea. “Why don’t we just surprise him?”
–Kay Schmidt

47. During basic training, our drill sergeant asked all Jewish personnel to make themselves known. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.
A few days later, in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to identify themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. “Only those who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week,” declared the sergeant.
–Allen Israel

48. Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.
“I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq.”
“Why?” he asked. “Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?”
–Thomas Cioppa

49. When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II vet, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he’d be eligible for benefits.
The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: “Right war, wrong side.”
–M. Murray

50. Few people outside the military know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier’s Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore-I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.
When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, “Now do you know what I do?”
“Yes,” she answered. “You’re a cheerleader.”
–Danny Sullivan

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Readers Digest pt 4

31. Sitting in coach during a lengthy flight, my wife and I heard a flight attendant ask the high-paying passengers in first class, “Would you care for Chardonnay or Burgundy?”
A few minutes later, the curtains between the two sections parted, and the attendant wheeled the wine cart back to our aisle. “Excuse me,” he said, looking down at us, “would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red.”
–William V. Copeland

32. When Dad’s satellite dish conked out, I found him on the phone with the help desk. The TV set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires spilling out the back of it.
He looked absolutely overwhelmed.
“Tell you what I’m going to do,” Dad said to the technician. “I’m going to hang up now, go to college for a couple of years, and then call you back.”
–Dana Marisca

33. My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it.”
As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought for a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”
–Catherine Burns

34. A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one. Recently, he had to replace the name Mary with Edna.
The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” they read from the preprinted program, “born of the Virgin Edna.”
–Robin Greenspan

35. I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. A car nut, he told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.

At the shop, I proudly recited, “The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves.”As I smugly glanced over the mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, “Lady says it makes a funny noise.”–Kate Kellogg


36. My friend was flabbergasted. She’d read that in a recent survey, our home state of California was ranked 47 in a list of the nation’s smartest states.
“Can you believe that?” she fumed. “We’re 47 out of 52!”
–Juan Gonzales

37. Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
“Did you play sports in college, Mike?” his wife then asked me.
“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”
“That’s great,” she said. “Offense or defense?”
–Mike Maloney

38. Strolling through town, I saw a road worker printing a sign that read “Raised Manhole Ahead.” I pointed out that there were more like ten raised manholes. The sign, he assured me, would be changed.
Later that day, the sign was corrected. It now read “Raised Menhole Ahead.”
–Minx McCloud

39. Since I was a new patient, I had to fill out an information form for the doctor’s files. The nurse reading it over noticed my unusual name.
“How do you pronounce it?” she asked.
“Na-le-Y-ko,” I said, proud of my Ukrainian heritage.
“That sounds real nice,” she said, smiling.
“Yes, it is melodious,” I agreed.
“So,” she asked sweetly, “what part of Melodia is your family from?”
–Ann Nalywajko

40. These newspaper editors stand corrected. From The Silver City (New Mexico) Daily Press: “Due to technical difficulties, Tuesday’s page 7 was inadvertently left out and replaced with Monday’s page 7. Today, page 5 will feature Tuesday’s front page, while page 6 will be the correct page 7 for Tuesday.”
–Robin Shetler

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Readers Digest pt 3

21. A woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy along with her seven-year-old son. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, “Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”
“What do you say?” she said.
He replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”
The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money. –Mercury Nickse

22. When a nun collapsed in the sales representative’s office at our time-share resort, the rep ran to the front-desk manager.
“Two nuns walked into the sales office, and one of them fainted!” she yelled breathlessly.
Unfazed, the manager just looked at her.
“Well,” said the rep, “aren’t you going to do anything?”
He replied, “I’m waiting for the punch line.”
–Donna Caplan

23. Although desperate for work, I passed on a job that I’d found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: “Must be able to swim.”
–Michael Leamons

24. My first job was wrapping hams at a meatpacking plant. One day, I was heading out the main gate right behind a woman who was rather rotund. Or so I thought.
Just as she passed the guard shack, a ham dropped from her skirt. Before the guard could react, she wheeled around, shouting, “All right, who threw the ham?”
–Roger Schoen

25. While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl’s hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. “What do you think?” he asked his girlfriend.
“Take them off!” she howled. “They make you look ridiculous.”
–Audrey Kelly

26. My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. “How do you get out of here?” Jim asked.
The fellow smiled and said, “No cheese for you.”
–Christine Probasco

27. I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds.” “Sweetheart,” my mother gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
–M.M.

28. Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company’s website with the following words underneath: “Updated daily.”
–Dianne Stevens


29. Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”
“Sure,” she said, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”
–Louis Allard

30. My friend John and I, determined to see the world, signed on to a Norwegian freighter as deckhands. We were being trained as helmsmen, and John’s first lesson was given by the mate, a seasoned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was holding the heading he’d been given, when the mate ordered, “Come starboard.”
Pleased at knowing which way starboard was, John left the helm and walked over to his instructor. As the helm swung freely, the mate politely asked, “Could you bring the ship with you?”
–Bruce Ingraham

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Readers Digest pt 2

10. We rushed our four-year-old son, Ben, to the emergency room with a terrible cough, high fever, and vomiting. The doctor did an exam, then asked Ben what bothered him the most. After thinking it over, Ben said hoarsely, “I would have to say my little sister.”
–Angela Schmid

11. “Once in Virginia,” said a speaker who had received an introduction that promised more than he felt he could deliver, “I passed a small church displaying a large sign. It read ‘Annual Strawberry Festival’ and, below in small letters, ‘On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.’”
–Boston Transcript

12. The best advice I ever received came to me from my ensign when I was a Wave at boot camp. She told me, “To stay out of trouble, say ‘Yes, sir’ all day and ‘No, sir’ all night.”
–Anonymous

13. A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. “Maybe it’s our long hair,” I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: “Going to the barber’s.” Within seconds we had our ride.
–Raymond Butkus

14. A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women’s lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, “Adam was a rough draft,” proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: “Eve was no prime rib.”
–Phyllis Reely

15. The teacher in one of our local grade schools was showing a copy of the Declaration of Independence to her pupils. It passed from desk to desk and finally to Luigi, a first-generation American. The boy studied the document reverently. Then, before passing it on, he gravely added his own signature.
–Katherine T. Floyd

16. On the way back from a Cub Scouts meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. “Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently.
After my son hemmed and hawed for a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. “You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
–Harry Neidig

17. Driving with my two young boys to a funeral, I tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well during the service. But at the gravesite, I discovered my explanations weren’t as thorough as I’d thought. In a loud voice, my four-year-old asked, “Mom?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“What’s in the box?”
–Ginny Richards

18. A family was celebrating their daughter’s fifth birthday at a local restaurant when the little girl’s father noticed her looking sadly at a moose head on the wall.
Someone had placed a party hat on its head. Her father knelt beside her and explained why some people hunt animals.
“I know all that,” the child sobbed. “But why did they have to shoot him at his birthday party?”
–Jerry Bundick

19. On the last night of our childbirth classes, our teacher took us to see the maternity center.
We were gathered by the door when a woman, clearly in labor, and her nervous husband came rushing in.
When he saw our group of pregnant women, he panicked: “Oh, my God. Look at the size of that line!”
–Rachel Zeboski

20. We had just finished listening to an old Simon and Garfunkel tune when my young daughter asked, “Well, did he?”
“Did he what?” I asked back.
“Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?”
–Ron Pearce

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Brain Fun

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?

Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?

Why are they called ’stands’ when they’re made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?


Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”? Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW it’s new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

Why is abreviation such a long word?

If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?



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SHE SAYS ENGLISH

WOMEN TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY

you want…………………………………………………….. you want
we need ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i want
it’s your decision ………………The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want……………… You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk ………………… I need to complain

Sure . . . go ahead………………. I don’t want you tOGO

I’m not upset……………………..Of course I’m upset, you moron.
You’re . . . so manly. ………….. You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, ……………………..turn out the lights I have flabby thighs
this kitchen is so inconvenient……….. I want a new house
I want new curtains . . . ………and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper
Hang the picture there ………………… No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise……………………….. I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?…………………… I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? …. I did something today you’re not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Am I fat?…………….. Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate …………………..Just agree with me.
Are you listening tome?!…………………. Too late, you’re dead.
Yes……………………… No.
No…………………….. No.
Mabye……………………… No.
I’m sorry. ………………….You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe?…………… It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
I’m not yelling! ….. Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

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Zoo Job


One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help me, help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

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Microsoft Buys Christmas

A Microsoft Christmas

Christmas Present
NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 20, 2009, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to “all who have made Christmas great,” and vowed to “make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked “Why buy Christmas?” Bill Gates replied “Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We’ll use it first for the next release of Windows 7.”

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, “The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.” She continued, “our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 09. It will be bigger and better than last year.” She further elaborated that “Windows 7 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[09] as early as November first.”

Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2010. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. “But it could be good in the long term,” he explained. “With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.”

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that “Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business,” suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was “sizeable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.”

Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year ’round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

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COUNTRY CEMETERY

preacher

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and
this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost;
and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault
lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for
long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say “Amen,”
“Praise the Lord,” and “Glory”! I preached, and I preached,
like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of
the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

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