Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

Clean Irish Jokes

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?”

________________________________________________________

It was general question time on the “Top of the World” quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant:

“Complete this line of a song and spell your answer – Old MacDonald had a ….”

The Hungarian answered quickly: “Station – S T A T I O N.”

Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question:

“Old MacDonald had a ….”

“Ranch,” was the reply, “R A N C H.”

Finally the Irishman was asked the same question:

“Old MacDonald had a….”

“Farm,” the Irishman proudly stated.

“Correct,” said the host. “Now spell the word farm.”

The Irishman thought for a moment. “E I E I O.”

______________________________________________________

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. “It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,” she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. “Miss,” he said,

“I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?”
___________________________________________________________
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, “I stopped it!”

“I know, you idiot!” said the man. “I was pushing it!”

Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o’clock.”

She said, “But Father, I’m no longer a child!”

He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”
___________________________________________________________________
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O’Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

“What are ye doing?” asked O’Bannon.

“Fishin’,” said MacAndrews.

“Caught anything?”

“Ach, nae a bite,”

“What are ye usin’ fer bait?”

“Worms”

“Let me see it,” said O’Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O’Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

“Have ye got a bite?” asked O’Bannon.

“No!” shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, “The worm’s got a salmon by the throat!”

_____________________________________________________________________

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: “Lads, I’m here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don’t step on any of the ducks or you’ll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he’s ever laid eyes on, and she said,”Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we’re together for all time.”And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he’s ever seen in all his life. He gasped, “I don’t understand it!” The young beauty answered, “Well I’m sure I don’t either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck.”

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Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” said the prison guard “Nothing” said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. “Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?” “Oh”, replied the Irishman, “I’ll take the German”.

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Readers Digest pt 4

31. Sitting in coach during a lengthy flight, my wife and I heard a flight attendant ask the high-paying passengers in first class, “Would you care for Chardonnay or Burgundy?”
A few minutes later, the curtains between the two sections parted, and the attendant wheeled the wine cart back to our aisle. “Excuse me,” he said, looking down at us, “would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red.”
–William V. Copeland

32. When Dad’s satellite dish conked out, I found him on the phone with the help desk. The TV set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires spilling out the back of it.
He looked absolutely overwhelmed.
“Tell you what I’m going to do,” Dad said to the technician. “I’m going to hang up now, go to college for a couple of years, and then call you back.”
–Dana Marisca

33. My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it.”
As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought for a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”
–Catherine Burns

34. A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one. Recently, he had to replace the name Mary with Edna.
The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” they read from the preprinted program, “born of the Virgin Edna.”
–Robin Greenspan

35. I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. A car nut, he told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.

At the shop, I proudly recited, “The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves.”As I smugly glanced over the mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, “Lady says it makes a funny noise.”–Kate Kellogg


36. My friend was flabbergasted. She’d read that in a recent survey, our home state of California was ranked 47 in a list of the nation’s smartest states.
“Can you believe that?” she fumed. “We’re 47 out of 52!”
–Juan Gonzales

37. Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
“Did you play sports in college, Mike?” his wife then asked me.
“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”
“That’s great,” she said. “Offense or defense?”
–Mike Maloney

38. Strolling through town, I saw a road worker printing a sign that read “Raised Manhole Ahead.” I pointed out that there were more like ten raised manholes. The sign, he assured me, would be changed.
Later that day, the sign was corrected. It now read “Raised Menhole Ahead.”
–Minx McCloud

39. Since I was a new patient, I had to fill out an information form for the doctor’s files. The nurse reading it over noticed my unusual name.
“How do you pronounce it?” she asked.
“Na-le-Y-ko,” I said, proud of my Ukrainian heritage.
“That sounds real nice,” she said, smiling.
“Yes, it is melodious,” I agreed.
“So,” she asked sweetly, “what part of Melodia is your family from?”
–Ann Nalywajko

40. These newspaper editors stand corrected. From The Silver City (New Mexico) Daily Press: “Due to technical difficulties, Tuesday’s page 7 was inadvertently left out and replaced with Monday’s page 7. Today, page 5 will feature Tuesday’s front page, while page 6 will be the correct page 7 for Tuesday.”
–Robin Shetler

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Readers Digest pt 3

21. A woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy along with her seven-year-old son. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, “Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”
“What do you say?” she said.
He replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”
The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money. –Mercury Nickse

22. When a nun collapsed in the sales representative’s office at our time-share resort, the rep ran to the front-desk manager.
“Two nuns walked into the sales office, and one of them fainted!” she yelled breathlessly.
Unfazed, the manager just looked at her.
“Well,” said the rep, “aren’t you going to do anything?”
He replied, “I’m waiting for the punch line.”
–Donna Caplan

23. Although desperate for work, I passed on a job that I’d found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: “Must be able to swim.”
–Michael Leamons

24. My first job was wrapping hams at a meatpacking plant. One day, I was heading out the main gate right behind a woman who was rather rotund. Or so I thought.
Just as she passed the guard shack, a ham dropped from her skirt. Before the guard could react, she wheeled around, shouting, “All right, who threw the ham?”
–Roger Schoen

25. While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl’s hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. “What do you think?” he asked his girlfriend.
“Take them off!” she howled. “They make you look ridiculous.”
–Audrey Kelly

26. My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. “How do you get out of here?” Jim asked.
The fellow smiled and said, “No cheese for you.”
–Christine Probasco

27. I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds.” “Sweetheart,” my mother gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
–M.M.

28. Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company’s website with the following words underneath: “Updated daily.”
–Dianne Stevens


29. Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”
“Sure,” she said, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”
–Louis Allard

30. My friend John and I, determined to see the world, signed on to a Norwegian freighter as deckhands. We were being trained as helmsmen, and John’s first lesson was given by the mate, a seasoned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was holding the heading he’d been given, when the mate ordered, “Come starboard.”
Pleased at knowing which way starboard was, John left the helm and walked over to his instructor. As the helm swung freely, the mate politely asked, “Could you bring the ship with you?”
–Bruce Ingraham

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Readers Digest pt 2

10. We rushed our four-year-old son, Ben, to the emergency room with a terrible cough, high fever, and vomiting. The doctor did an exam, then asked Ben what bothered him the most. After thinking it over, Ben said hoarsely, “I would have to say my little sister.”
–Angela Schmid

11. “Once in Virginia,” said a speaker who had received an introduction that promised more than he felt he could deliver, “I passed a small church displaying a large sign. It read ‘Annual Strawberry Festival’ and, below in small letters, ‘On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.’”
–Boston Transcript

12. The best advice I ever received came to me from my ensign when I was a Wave at boot camp. She told me, “To stay out of trouble, say ‘Yes, sir’ all day and ‘No, sir’ all night.”
–Anonymous

13. A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. “Maybe it’s our long hair,” I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: “Going to the barber’s.” Within seconds we had our ride.
–Raymond Butkus

14. A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women’s lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, “Adam was a rough draft,” proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: “Eve was no prime rib.”
–Phyllis Reely

15. The teacher in one of our local grade schools was showing a copy of the Declaration of Independence to her pupils. It passed from desk to desk and finally to Luigi, a first-generation American. The boy studied the document reverently. Then, before passing it on, he gravely added his own signature.
–Katherine T. Floyd

16. On the way back from a Cub Scouts meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. “Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently.
After my son hemmed and hawed for a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. “You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
–Harry Neidig

17. Driving with my two young boys to a funeral, I tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well during the service. But at the gravesite, I discovered my explanations weren’t as thorough as I’d thought. In a loud voice, my four-year-old asked, “Mom?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“What’s in the box?”
–Ginny Richards

18. A family was celebrating their daughter’s fifth birthday at a local restaurant when the little girl’s father noticed her looking sadly at a moose head on the wall.
Someone had placed a party hat on its head. Her father knelt beside her and explained why some people hunt animals.
“I know all that,” the child sobbed. “But why did they have to shoot him at his birthday party?”
–Jerry Bundick

19. On the last night of our childbirth classes, our teacher took us to see the maternity center.
We were gathered by the door when a woman, clearly in labor, and her nervous husband came rushing in.
When he saw our group of pregnant women, he panicked: “Oh, my God. Look at the size of that line!”
–Rachel Zeboski

20. We had just finished listening to an old Simon and Garfunkel tune when my young daughter asked, “Well, did he?”
“Did he what?” I asked back.
“Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?”
–Ron Pearce

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Readers Digest pt 1 of 5


1. We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”
–Patricia Longbottom

2. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
–Patsy R. Dancey

3. One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse’s station with an empty cup.
“I didn’t need this after all,” he said. “There was a toilet in there.”
–Linda Feikle

4. I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, “Have you had a hysterectomy before?”
–Terry Wisener


5. Watching a movie recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” I said. “I can’t hear.”
“I should hope not,” she answered. “This is a private conversation.”
–David Carver

6. My husband decided to install a light switch in our master bedroom. Cutting into the wall, he discovered a stash of bottles and boxes.
“Honey!” he called excitedly. “Come see what I found!”
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole he had made in the back of our medicine cabinet.
–Nola Pirart

7. The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
“Those must be real diamonds,” she said.
“Yes,” I said. “How could you tell?”
“Because,” she said, “no one buys fake diamonds that small.”
–Deborah Caudell

8. When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first ten years are the hardest,” she said.
“How long have you been married?” I asked.
“Ten years,” she replied.
–Tonya Winter

9. “What is that sound?” a woman visiting our nature center asked.
“It’s the frogs trilling for a mate,” Patti, the naturalist, explained. “We have a pair in the science room. But they’ve been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other.”
The woman nodded sympathetically. “The trill is gone.”
–KathyJo Townson

10. We rushed our four-year-old son, Ben, to the emergency room with a terrible cough, high fever, and vomiting. The doctor did an exam, then asked Ben what bothered him the most. After thinking it over, Ben said hoarsely, “I would have to say my little sister.”
–Angela Schmid

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SHE SAYS ENGLISH

WOMEN TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY

you want…………………………………………………….. you want
we need ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i want
it’s your decision ………………The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want……………… You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk ………………… I need to complain

Sure . . . go ahead………………. I don’t want you tOGO

I’m not upset……………………..Of course I’m upset, you moron.
You’re . . . so manly. ………….. You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, ……………………..turn out the lights I have flabby thighs
this kitchen is so inconvenient……….. I want a new house
I want new curtains . . . ………and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper
Hang the picture there ………………… No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise……………………….. I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?…………………… I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? …. I did something today you’re not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Am I fat?…………….. Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate …………………..Just agree with me.
Are you listening tome?!…………………. Too late, you’re dead.
Yes……………………… No.
No…………………….. No.
Mabye……………………… No.
I’m sorry. ………………….You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe?…………… It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
I’m not yelling! ….. Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

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Zoo Job


One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help me, help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

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What If’s

Why do we call it a tv set when you only get one of them?

imtv clipart

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?


Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?


Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?


If 7/11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?


If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?


If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?


You know that indestructible little black box that is used on planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?


Can you be a closet claustrophobic?


Why is the word ‘abbreviation’ so long?


If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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Microsoft Buys Christmas

A Microsoft Christmas

Christmas Present
NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 20, 2009, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to “all who have made Christmas great,” and vowed to “make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked “Why buy Christmas?” Bill Gates replied “Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We’ll use it first for the next release of Windows 7.”

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, “The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.” She continued, “our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 09. It will be bigger and better than last year.” She further elaborated that “Windows 7 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[09] as early as November first.”

Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2010. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. “But it could be good in the long term,” he explained. “With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.”

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that “Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business,” suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was “sizeable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.”

Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year ’round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

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COUNTRY CEMETERY

preacher

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and
this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost;
and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault
lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for
long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say “Amen,”
“Praise the Lord,” and “Glory”! I preached, and I preached,
like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of
the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

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